


Hard Choices

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-08-15
Updated: 2002-08-15
Packaged: 2019-05-15 19:47:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14796791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: A man from Donna's past returns





	1. Hard Choices

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

**Hard Choices**

**by:** Evelyn

**Disclaimer:** Aaron Sorkin owns everything

**Category:** Romance, Josh/Donna

**Rating:** CHILD

**Author's Note:** Special thanks to Shelley for her incredible editing, her insight into all things Sorkin, and for keeping the faith in this show, its creator, and the cast when the rest of us get crazy  <g>

"I don't have the numbers yet."

"I asked for them two hours ago."

"I can't give you numbers if Joey doesn't have the results yet. There was a software failure last night, and they couldn't run the computer programs until this morning. You're just gonna have to wait."

Josh Lyman sat back in his chair and glared at his blonde assistant. The election was barely a month away and the most recent polling wasn't encouraging. His mood, like the numbers, had been going steadily downhill over the last ten days.

"When does Joey think she'll have the results?"

"Soon. Maybe late this afternoon, around 4."

"That her time or our time?"

"Our time. Relax Josh, you'll have them before your meeting with Bruno."

"Okay, where's the background material on Sherman?"

"I don't have it yet."

"Donna," he snapped, "I asked for that this morning. I'm meeting with the judiciary committee tomorrow morning."

"I know, Josh. I've called twice and they say I'll have it within an hour."

"You should have gone over there and gotten it," he said coldly.

Donna's eyes widened at Josh's tone. "Excuse me?"

"You ready to go?" Sam poked his head into the office. Toby stood behind him.

Josh nodded and gathered his folders together.

"I need that information, Donna, so I don't sound like a total idiot to the committee in making the case for Sherman. You should have gone to pick up the material or sent one of the interns."

"You know I can't send an intern because that material is classified and can't be released except to someone with the appropriate clearance. Your meeting isn't until 11 tomorrow morning so I thought you'd have time to review it later tonight, and..."

"None of that helps me, Donna," he said abruptly. "Get the briefing material and Joey's polling data and bring them down to the Roosevelt Room."

"Josh!" Donna stared at her boss, "I'm juggling too..."

The Deputy Chief of Staff paused and took a deep breath. "I'm...I'm sorry. It's been a long day," he glanced at his watch, "and it's not even 2:30."

Donna smiled. "Your watch sucks, Josh. It's 2:45 and it's been a long month."

"Donna, you in there?" 

Sam and Toby stepped aside, as Margaret walked into Josh's office. 

"I was in the lobby when these were delivered for you. Is this another one of those anniversaries you two celebrate? Where'd you find tulips in October, Josh? " The red-headed assistant prattled on as she held out a vase full of fresh yellow flowers.

Sam smiled. "I know it's not your birthday, Donna. So what are these, Josh? 'I'm sorry in advance flowers'?"

Josh scowled. "It's not her birthday, it's not the anniversary of either time she started working for me, and I have nothing to apologize for. Who sent you flowers?" he demanded, turning to look at his assistant.

Donna stood pale and frozen.

"Donna?" Margaret asked tentatively. "Are you okay?"

"What?"

"I said, are you okay? Don't you want your flowers?"

"Of...of course," Donna replied uncertainly, reaching out for the vase.

"Well......" Josh stared at his assistant, waiting for an answer.

"They're...they're just from an old friend," Donna said quickly.

"How do you know?" Margaret demanded. "You haven't even read the card," and she snatched the envelope that had been taped to the side of the vase.

Donna grabbed the envelope from Margaret's hand and shoved it in her pocket. Turning to face Josh, she took a deep breath, then said, "You'd better get going. The meeting's already started," and she swept past Toby, Sam and Margaret.

"What was that all about?" wondered Margaret, looking at Josh.

"I don't know but if we don't get to the meeting, Leo's going to have a stroke," Toby said, starting to walk down the hall.

Sam followed, but Josh lingered for a moment thinking. Something seemed familiar, but he couldn't quite remember what it was that was tugging at his memory. He shook his head and walked out to Donna's desk.

"So who..."

"Josh," Donna quickly interrupted. "They're waiting for you. Leo's on a tight schedule today so you've got to get to that meeting. I'll bring you the figures as soon as they come in."

"I'm going, I'm going," Josh muttered, and hustled down the hall towards the Roosevelt Room.

Donna turned back and stared at the yellow tulips. The memories came flooding back.

>   
>  __
> 
> "There's sunshine in your smile," he whispered as he handed her the bouquet.
> 
> "What?" she asked happily, looking up. She pulled his head down to kiss him.
> 
> The Student Center was packed, but she'd managed to snag a table. Her poli sci, psychology, and French textbooks were spread out in front of her.
> 
> "I read somewhere that yellow tulips mean 'there's sunshine in your smile', and there is, you know. The room always seems brighter when you're in it," he said, sliding into the seat next to her, leaning forward for another kiss. "I'll always think of you when I see yellow tulips."
> 
> "I love surprises, I love yellow tulips...and I love you," she told him, sure of her feelings even though they'd only known each other a few weeks. They kissed again.
> 
> "I've got to get going," he said reluctantly. "I've got anatomy class in twenty minutes and then study group."
> 
> "Will I see you later?" she asked shyly.
> 
> He tossed her his key. "Meet me at the apartment at 10," he grinned.

The phone rang. 

"Josh Lyman's office...You're e-mailing me the numbers in 20 minutes? Thanks Kenny, I'll get them to Josh." 

She hung up the phone and reached into her pocket. She pulled out the envelope, then finally, slowly opened it. 

"Please call me. 555-7894. It's a matter of life and death. Phil"


	2. Hard Choices 2

**Hard Choices**

**by:** Evelyn

**Disclaimer:** Aaron Sorkin owns everything

**Category:** Romance, Josh/Donna

**Rating:** CHILD

**Author's Note:** Special thanks to Shelley for her incredible editing, her insight into all things Sorkin, and for keeping the faith in this show, its creator, and the cast when the rest of us get crazy  <g>

* * *

"We've got to rethink those bases..." CJ said forcefully. The Press Secretary was making the case, one more time, for withdrawal of the American presence in Qumar. "We're losing the women's vote on other issues, but this is certainly not gonna help, not to mention losing the vote of anyone who has an ounce of humanity..."

"Not again, Claudia. We're not going over this same issue again. We're already taking a big hit that we're soft on defense. The decision has been made..." Josh snapped.

"And it was the wrong decision then, and it remains the wrong decision today," CJ said bitterly.

"Can we get back to the jobs bill," Leo said, as he walked in the door. "And can we try to let the Republicans kill us rather than killing each other."

Josh and CJ glared at each other.

CJ took a deep breath. "Okay."

Josh nodded and for the next twenty minutes, the staff discussed strategy for the upcoming vote on the jobs for youth bill, as well as the bill giving additional funding for inner-city teachers. 

Just as they were about to move on to a discussion of the speech the President was scheduled to give in Detroit to the United Auto Workers, Donna quietly slid into the room, walked over to Josh, and handed him two folders.

"Here are the numbers from Joey. I think you'll like the new figures from the Midwest. And here's the background information on Sherman."

"Thanks, this should be winding up in about fifteen minutes. Order us some Chinese food and we'll eat while we go over the schedule for Detroit," Josh whispered.

"You want Shrimp Kung Pao?" she asked.

He nodded, opening the polling folder and scanning the figures. He smiled.

"I'll order it and they'll call you when it arrives. I'll be back in about an hour," Donna said softly, turning to leave.

Josh started to nod, when something clicked, and he grabbed Donna's arm. "Wait. Where are you going?"

"I...I have an errand to run."

"Where?" Josh pushed, still holding onto Donna's arm.

"It's personal. I'll be back as fast as I can and we'll work on Detroit," Donna whispered, trying to pull away.

Josh stared at his assistant, trying to figure out what was going on, when he vaguely heard...

"Josh."

The Deputy Chief of Staff looked around and saw Leo staring at him. He let go of Donna's arm and she left the room quickly.

"Did you say something Leo?"

"I was asking you if you had the latest polling numbers. I know we're meeting with Bruno later, but I thought some of the data might be helpful in framing the President's speech."

"Yeah, sure. Donna just brought me the numbers, and at first glance, things look better, especially in the midwest," Josh began, opening the folder.

The discussion continued for the next fifteen minutes. When the meeting finally broke up, Josh hurriedly gathered his stuff together and hustled down the hall.

"Josh," CJ called.

He slowed and looked back, waiting for the Press Secretary to catch up with him.

"I'm sorry about the..." CJ began.

Josh waved her off. "We're all on edge."

They arrived at Donna's desk, which was empty.

"Those are beautiful flowers. What did you do?" CJ smirked.

"They're not from me," Josh mumbled.

"Then who? And they must have cost a pretty penny," CJ observed.

"Why?"

"Because they're out of season. So who sent Donna this expensive bouquet of flowers?"

"I...I don't know," Josh said, something tugging again at his memory. "I've got to go over these numbers before the meeting with Bruno."

CJ nodded and headed off to the mess.

Josh walked into his office and slowly sat down at his desk. The phone rang.

"Josh Lyman"

"Mr. Lyman, the delivery boy is here with your order."

"I'll be right down to get it."

Josh turned around to reach for his jacket which he'd folded and tossed on the credenza behind him. He glanced at a photo taken in late March of the first Bartlet campaign. Taken in the Manchester headquarters, it was a picture of Josh, CJ, Toby, and Sam. In the background was Donna's desk....and on it sat a vase of yellow tulips.


	3. Hard Choices 3

**Hard Choices**

**by:** Evelyn

**Disclaimer:** Aaron Sorkin owns everything

**Category:** Romance, Josh/Donna

**Rating:** CHILD

**Author's Note:** Special thanks to Shelley for her incredible editing, her insight into all things Sorkin, and for keeping the faith in this show, its creator, and the cast when the rest of us get crazy  <g>

* * *

Donna entered the smoky bar and scanned the room. She spotted him in the corner and swiftly wended her way over to his table.

"Donna," he said, standing.

"Phil."

They stood there awkwardly for a moment and then he leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek.

"Thank you for coming," he motioned her to sit down.

"I was so surprised to hear from you. It's been, what? Five years? Are you ok? Your note sounded so ominous...." Donna chattered, nervously filling the silence.

"Donna," he interrupted, "I'm dying."

She blinked. "What....what do you mean? Is that some kind of doctor joke? You shouldn't scare me like that.....You're not really sick are you?"

"I have multiple myeloma."

She inhaled sharply. Her eyes filled with tears. 

"Are you...are you in treatment? Have you already had chemotherapy? Radiation? What do the doctors say?" Donna insisted. 

He put his hand over hers. "They're trying what they can. It doesn't look good."

"How can I help?"

He smiled. "You haven't changed."

Donna blushed.

"After all I did...all the dumb-ass stuff I pulled?" he shook his head.

"Shhhh. That's not important now," Donna whispered.

"Yes, it is. You know, you're too good, Donnatella Moss. I had to see you for two reasons and that's one of them."

She gave a small smile. "What? You've got cancer and you travel from Wisconsin to tell me that I'm too nice?" 

"That's always been your problem. You're too trusting," he said softly.

"Not as much anymore," Donna answered truthfully. 

"Yeah, I suppose not," he said ruefully. "But you've always given too much and asked too little. Do you...do you hate me?"

"No," she said firmly. "Look, you were a jerk and I was an immature idiot. I learned a lot from our relationship."

"Yeah," he laughed bitterly. "You learned what you don't want in a relationship."

"It wasn't all bad," she chided.

"Thanks. You're being too kind...again. But the first thing I have to tell you is I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the stupid, idiotic times I didn't let you know how much you meant to me. How much you gave me. I didn't want to...I don't want to leave this world without saying that."

Tears rolled down Donna's cheeks, and Phil swept his fingers lightly across her face to brush them away. "I didn't come all this way to make you cry."

Donna gave a lop-sided smile. "I think once you told me that you were gonna die, you pretty much could count on some tears."

"Yeah, I guess you're right," he laughed softly. 

Donna took a deep breath, then said. "What's the second thing you needed to tell me? How can I help?"

Phil avoided her eyes, but then began. "I need you to get me into a clinical trial."

Donna looked puzzled. "I don't understand. I don't know anyone running clinical trials. You'd have better access to those contacts than I have."

"But you have access to White House pull," he said, now staring into her eyes. "I've been turned down by three separate sites. They've already taken all the patients they need for their studies. I need some influential politico threatening to pull funding unless...."

"I don't think I can do that, Phil," she said quickly. "I can't go to Josh."

"He's your boss, right?

She nodded.

"Why can't you go to him? He's the third most powerful guy in the government."

"Because he hates your guts," she said bluntly.

"But I've never met the..." he looked at Donna, then nodded. "He knows the story of me and our time together." 

She nodded. 

"Does he know about the last time? The time you hurt your ankle and I..."

"Yes," she said quietly.

"Donna. I know I was a stupid fool not to appreciate what I had. I know I did it all wrong back then. I was an idiot to stop for a beer and not come directly to the hospital, but please don't hold that against me."

"I'm not, Phil. It doesn't matter anymore."

"Donna, please I'm begging you." 

She could hear the desperation in his voice.

"Phil, please, don't ask me to do this. I'll do anything else to help. If you need money or...or blood...or whatever...I'll do it. But I can't use White House influence. It's not fair to those who've been waiting to be chosen."

"Please listen to me, Donna. I don't want to die, and unless I get into some clinical trial program, I will," he said, grabbing her hand. "Just talk to him, Donna. Maybe he won't think it's wrong. Maybe it's done all the time."

She stared at him for a minute, pulled her hand free, then nodded slowly. "I...I need time to think. Let me see what I can find out. I'll call you tomorrow. I've got to get back to the office now."

She stood up, and he grabbed her arm. "I'm sorry Donna. I know I have no right to ask...forgive me, please."

She stared, then walked away.


	4. Hard Choices 4

**Hard Choices**

**by:** Evelyn

**Disclaimer:** Aaron Sorkin owns everything

**Category:** Romance, Josh/Donna

**Rating:** CHILD

**Author's Note:** Special thanks to Shelley for her incredible editing, her insight into all things Sorkin, and for keeping the faith in this show, its creator, and the cast when the rest of us get crazy  <g>

* * *

The office was dark, save for the light from the computer screen. The white take-out cartons sat unopened on the desk. He stared out the window and watched as she hurried up the driveway to the West Wing. He was still staring out the window, into the darkness, when she stood, breathless at his door.

"Josh?"

He didn't answer.

"Josh? Are you alright? Let me turn on..."

"Leave it off."

"What's the matter? Are you hurt? Did something happen?" her voice rose, as she crossed the room to his desk.

He turned and stared.

"When are you leaving?"

"Not for several hours. We've got to go through the Sherman material and I've still got to gather ..." she stopped. "Why didn't you eat dinner?"

He waved her off, his gaze never leaving her.

"Josh. What is it? Tell me what happened," she implored. She reached across to touch his shoulder and he shrugged her off, swung his chair around, and looked out the window again.

"Will you at least stay through the election or are you planning to pack up and steal away in the night like you did last time?" he said bitterly.

"What are you talking about?" 

"Stop it, Donna. The flowers. They're from Dr. Freeride, right?"

She gasped. "How...how did you know?"

He laughed mirthlessly and reached over for the photo on the credenza. He turned and gave it to her.

She turned on the desk lamp and the soft light revealed the hurt in his face. She glanced down at the photo and looked back quizzically.

"It's you, CJ, Toby, and Sam."

"It was taken the day before you left the campaign. Look on the desk. See anything familiar?"

She sighed as the memories came flooding back.

>   
>  __
> 
> The campaign headquarters were buzzing. Josh had been closeted all morning with Leo, prior to leaving for a four-day swing through the Pacific Northwest. She needed to talk to him. She was running out of money and needed to know when she might be put on staff - or *if* she would be put on staff.
> 
> "Josh?" she called as he came out of Leo's cubbyhole of an office.
> 
> "Yeah," he answered, distracted by the polling results he was reading. She'd put together a report on the latest numbers and he was frustrated that they hadn't gotten a spike yet in their favorables.
> 
> "Um, I know you're busy but I need to talk to you about...um.."
> 
> "What is it, Donna?" he said sharply. "For God's sake, just spit it out."
> 
> "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but I was wondering when...when you could put me on staff. I'm kind of running low...."
> 
> "I told you from the first day, Donna, that money was tight. Once we win the Illinois Primary...well if we win the primary...then maybe....but I can't carry you. I got a lot of guys out there who've been working a lot longer than you..so if it's big bucks you're looking for, well this ain't the place." He kept walking, thumbing through the file folder she'd prepared for him.
> 
> "Sure, I understand," she said, walking slowly back to her desk.
> 
> "Is there a Donnatella Moss around here?" one of the volunteers called out.
> 
> She looked up to see a young man carrying a vase full of yellow tulips. The card read: "Forgive me. Please come home. Love always, Phil."

"I said, when are you leaving?" She was jolted back to reality.

Donna focused on her boss, who was staring at her coldly. The wall she'd seen a year ago, the wall it had taken months to break down, that same wall was back in place, higher than ever.

"I'm not going anywhere," she said softly.

He snorted. "Right. He snaps his fingers and you come running. You'd think you would have learned something in five years."

"Stop it. You don't know anything," she said fiercely.

"I know that a vase full of flowers has you running out of the White House so fast it makes your head spin. For God's sake, are you that needy? Do you have to have a man in your life no matter how badly he treats you?" Josh said, rising from his chair, his cheeks flushed with anger.

Donna gasped. "Shut up, Joshua. You can go straight to hell. I don't have to take that kind of crap off of you." She wheeled around to leave, when she heard his sardonic laughter.

"Does it make it easier to walk out if you get mad at me?"

She whipped around to face him. She closed the distance between them in a moment, and was in his face, breathing heavily.

"I'm not going anywhere except to my desk. I'm finishing the work I have to do and then going home. I'll be in tomorrow morning at 6:30, just like I have been every other day for the past three months. I don't deserve this kind of treatment from you." She glared at him, then turned and left.

He sunk down in his chair. He reached over, snapped off the light, and turned to look out the window again.


	5. Hard Choices 5

**Hard Choices**

**by:** Evelyn

**Disclaimer:** Aaron Sorkin owns everything

**Category:** Romance, Josh/Donna

**Rating:** CHILD

**Author's Note:** Special thanks to Shelley for her incredible editing, her insight into all things Sorkin, and for keeping the faith in this show, its creator, and the cast when the rest of us get crazy  <g>

* * *

Josh walked slowly through the halls of the West Wing. It was almost 7:00 am, but he'd only slept for about two hours. After the confrontation with Donna, he'd worked in his office - or more honestly, brooded. She was away from her desk when he'd left for the meeting with Bruno, and when he'd gotten back around midnight, she was gone. He'd considered calling her when he got home, but had put down the phone, unsure what he would say.

He glanced at her empty desk. The flowers were gone. He saw that her jacket was already hanging on the coatrack, her computer turned on. In his office, he found the day's schedule, the folder he needed on Sherman, an overnight report from the Embassy in Kabul, and a post-it note. "Senior staff has been pushed back to 7:15. I'm in the building. Back before 8:30."

There was no signature or happy face or anything else, but he wasn't surprised.

"You ready for staff?"

Josh looked up to find CJ in his doorway.

"Sure," he said quietly and followed her down the hall.

CJ started to chat about the upcoming trip to Detroit, but stopped when it was clear that she didn't have Josh's attention.

"What's wrong, mi amour?" She poked him in the side.

"What? Nothing."

"Spill it. What did you do this time?" she said, laughing, but stopped when she saw his face. 

"What is it Josh? Tell me," she said seriously.

"Donna's going back to Wisconsin. Her old boyfriend showed up last night."

"What? I don't believe it."

"It's true. He's the one that sent the stupid flowers."

"And she told you that they were getting back together? I didn't even know they'd been in touch with each other," CJ said incredulously.

"Me either." The bitterness evident in his voice. "How stupid can she be?"

"I've got to knock some sense into her. When did she say she was leaving? She'll stay through the election won't she?"

"She won't say."

"What do you mean she won't say? That's not like her.....Wait a minute," CJ stopped walking. "Tell me exactly what Donna told you."

"Nothing."

"I'm sorry. I don't understand."

"She didn't say anything. She just admitted, well sort of admitted, that Dr. Freeride had sent her the flowers."

"So how do you know she's leaving?"

"I just do."

"Did she actually say those words? I don't want to hear what you think you know, I want to hear Donna's words. Did she say she was leaving?"

"She said she wasn't but...," Josh said reluctantly. 

"But what? Why would you assume that she's going to leave?"

"Because I know she is," he added with conviction.

"And you know this...how?" CJ demanded.

"Because she raced out of the West Wing yesterday as soon as she got the damn flowers. And the last time she got flowers from the bastard, she packed up and left me with just a note saying how much she appreciated the opportunity....I can't wait to see what kind of note I get this time when she leaves me. If she thinks she can show up here three months from now, telling me how she wants to come back to me, well, she can....well, it won't...well, I'm not sure...maybe she should just take a leave of absence, and not resign. What do you think?"

CJ stared at the Deputy Chief of Staff. "I want to talk to Donna."

"Forget it. If she wants to leave me, fine. Let her go," and he walked off in a huff, ignoring Margaret, and pushing open the door to Leo's office.


	6. Hard Choices 6

**Hard Choices**

**by:** Evelyn

**Disclaimer:** Aaron Sorkin owns everything

**Category:** Romance, Josh/Donna

**Rating:** CHILD

**Author's Note:** Special thanks to Shelley for her incredible editing, her insight into all things Sorkin, and for keeping the faith in this show, its creator, and the cast when the rest of us get crazy  <g>

* * *

"Is she in?" Donna stood hesitantly in front of Lilly Mays.

"Go right in. She's expecting you."

Donna knocked softly on the door, then opened it and walked into the First Lady's office. 

"Donna. Come in," Abbey rose from behind her desk. She walked over to the sitting area and motioned for Donna to take a seat.

"Thank you so much for seeing me on such short notice," Donna began.

"Not at all. Is it something to do with the Detroit trip?"

"No, I'm sorry. It's personal. If this is a bad time..." She started to stand.

"Of course not," Abbey said soothingly and motioned for Donna to sit. "You did say that last night, I just didn't quite understand. Tell me. How can I help you?"

"I'm not sure if this puts you in an awkward position. I don't want to offend you, but I think you have the perspective I need, but if I'm wrong, please stop me and I'm sorry," she said in a rush.

"Slow down, Donna. Take it step-by-step. I'm sure I won't be offended."

Donna took a deep breath. "I think I have to start back before I joined the campaign."

"Ok," Abbey said uncertainly. "If you think it will help."

"When I was a sophomore in college, I met Phillip Runyon. He was a third year medical student at the University of Wisconsin. He was good looking, funny, smart and I fell in love with him. I thought we would be together forever so when he suggested that I drop out and work while he finished school, and then I'd go back later, well it sounded practical.... and since I'd already had five majors and two minors in two years..."

Abbey frowned, but nodded her understanding. "How did your parents feel about this decision?"

"They were furious, but I insisted, and for the next two years, I worked, he finished medical school, and....and...."

"And you were miserable," Abbey finished.

"Yes. He cheated on me, I found out, and then he suggested that maybe we should take a break," Donna said quietly. She took another deep breath and then continued.

"I packed up and drove cross-country to join the campaign. I talked my way into a job as Josh's assistant," she paused and smiled. "I loved it. I believed in something again. Something that was bigger than me. But then I did something stupid."

Abbey looked puzzled.

"In late March I went back to Phil. The campaign couldn't afford to put me on staff, I was running out of money, but even worse, out of any self-confidence I had, so when Phil asked me to come back, I went running."

"But...but I remember that you were there for the Illinois primary," Abbey pointed out.

"Yes. I went back to Phil, but in less than a week I realized that I'd made a terrible mistake and left again. Josh took me back with no questions asked, and within three days, he'd gotten me on the payroll, and the rest is history...or was until yesterday."

"What happened yesterday?"

"Phil got in touch with me again." There was a hitch in Donna's voice and tears started to roll silently down her cheeks. Abbey handed her a tissue and patted her hand.

"He told me he's dying of multiple myeloma."

"That's a tough disease to fight. Is he in treatment?"

Donna nodded. "Yes, but it doesn't seem to be helping. He asked for my help."

"How? You're not thinking of going back to him, are you?"

"No, of course not. But he wants me to use White House influence to get him into a clinical trial. He's tried and been rejected. I don't know what to do. I know it's wrong to use influence to get him in a trial..."

"It's not good science, either," Abbey interjected.

"He understands that. But Mrs. Bartlet, he doesn't want to die. It's as simple as that. I'll ask Josh for help, if you think it's the right thing to do. I know it'll be the end of my job with him, but I can't let Phil die because of that."

"It was unfair of him to ask you this," Abbey said sternly.

Donna nodded. "I know. I even think he knows it too. But he's scared and frantic and I don't know what's the right thing to do. When it was Mrs. Morello..."

"Your teacher? Jed told me about the phone call," Abbey smiled.

Donna nodded. "When it was Mrs. Morello, I understood when Josh objected to asking for a Presidential Proclamation in her honor. It was wrong to use White House influence. But this is a matter of life and death. Does that make a difference?"

"I don't know," Abbey admitted. "If it were someone I loved, I'd do whatever was necessary to help them, but then..." she paused, "I guess you already know that."

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Bartlet, I didn't mean to bring up..." Donna said, flustered.

"It's okay, Donna. I was just saying I know that it's sometimes hard to do what's right and...not what your heart tells you," Abbey said softly.

"I don't love Phil, that's not even part of the equation."

"I didn't think so," Abbey smiled. "I still think it was unfair of Phil to ask this, but let me look into it. I can't get him into any clinical trials. I don't think it's right ethically or scientifically. But maybe I can pull some strings to get some researchers to accept him. Check back with me later today, okay?"

Donna stood. "Thank you, Mrs. Bartlet. I'm sorry to impose on you, but..."

"I'm glad to help, Donna. I'm grateful to you. You were honest with me when nobody else had the guts."

Donna walked to the doorway. "I feel better just having talked to you. I'll check back later."


	7. Hard Choices 7

**Hard Choices**

**by:** Evelyn

**Disclaimer:** Aaron Sorkin owns everything

**Category:** Romance, Josh/Donna

**Rating:** CHILD

**Author's Note:** Special thanks to Shelley for her incredible editing, her insight into all things Sorkin, and for keeping the faith in this show, its creator, and the cast when the rest of us get crazy  <g>

* * *

Donna walked into the bar and headed for the corner table. Phil stood and embraced her.

"I've got good news and bad news," she began, sitting down.

"Do you want something to eat or drink?" Phil asked.

"No, I don't have time. I've got to get back as soon as possible... I can't get you into any clinical trials," she began.

Phil's face fell, and she reached over and grabbed his hand.

She didn't notice the man, with the dark, curly, unruly hair now sitting at the far end of the bar, watching the corner table.

"It's not right, Phil. It's not ethical to bump others who are just as sick as you are, and it's not good science."

"I know," he whispered.

"But Mrs. Bartlet called three different centers and made appointments for you to be seen by the lead researchers at each. They're trying different drug protocols. Maybe one of them can help." She pushed a piece of paper across the table.

He glanced down, then looked up into the clear blue eyes of the best woman he'd ever known. "I've heard about some of the work these groups are doing. They'll see me?"

"Yes."

He smiled, and put his hand over hers. "I can't thank you enough. I know I don't deserve your help, not after..."

"Shhh. Just get better, Phil. That's all I want for you."

The man at the bar reached into his pocket, pulled out a cell phone, and hit speed dial 3.

"Hello, CJ?" he whispered.

"Josh? I can barely hear you. Where are you?"

"CJ, I need a favor and I need you to do it without any questions. Please CJ," his voice implored.

"Okay, Josh. Just tell me what you need."

"Call Donna on her cell phone right now and tell her you need her back in the office immediately. Just get her back to the West Wing as fast as possible."

"What am I supposed to do when she gets here?"

"I don't know...talk some sense into her."

"I haven't seen Donna all day. I want to find out what's going on."

"Please, CJ, just call her right now."

"Okay."

He snapped shut his phone and watched the couple across the room. Within moments, he saw the blonde reach into her purse, answer her phone, nod, and start to rise. The man stood with her and the two embraced. Then the blonde quickly left the bar. As soon as she was gone, Josh walked over to the table and sat down.

"I had a feeling I'd meet you," Phil said, looking the Deputy Chief of Staff in the eye.

"I won't let you hurt her again," Josh said curtly. "I'll bury you before you can hurt Donnatella with your lies and games."

Phil laughed softly at the verb Josh had used, then said, "That's not why I'm here. I'd never hurt Donna again."

"Yeah, right. That's what you said last time. I won't let her go back to you, even if she thinks she wants to."

"You know you're making the same mistake I made five years ago."

"And what would that be?" Josh snapped.

"Underestimating Donnatella Moss."

"Why are you here, Runyon?"

"Ask Donna. And because I know what I lost, I'm gonna give you a piece of free advice."

"I don't need advice from you. Just stay the hell away from Donnatella," Josh started to rise.

Phil reached out and grabbed Josh's arm. "Listen to me," his voice crackling with emotion. "Don't be an idiot about Donna. She loves you. I knew it five years ago, even if she didn't. All she could talk about was this incredible man who was her boss. I wasn't surprised that she left me. It wasn't the ankle or the beer stop or anything except she'd outgrown me and fallen in love with you. But you're gonna screw it up if you don't tell her."

Josh stared at Runyon, then blinked. "I can't," he whispered. "She's my assistant. I'm her boss. We work in the White House."

"That's bullshit and you know it." Phil let go of Josh's arm and threw some money on the table. "You accused me of hurting Donna. What you're doing to her is so much worse. She was a kid when I met her. You're breaking the heart of a grown woman." And he walked out.


	8. Hard Choices 8

**Hard Choices**

**by:** Evelyn

**Disclaimer:** Aaron Sorkin owns everything

**Category:** Romance, Josh/Donna

**Rating:** CHILD

**Author's Note:** Special thanks to Shelley for her incredible editing, her insight into all things Sorkin, and for keeping the faith in this show, its creator, and the cast when the rest of us get crazy  <g>

* * *

Josh walked slowly up the White House driveway. Once inside, he waved off attempts by Sam and Toby to grab his attention. He avoided CJ's area, and was glad to see that Donna's desk was empty. He walked into his own office.

"Do you want to go over the Sherman material now?"

His head snapped up and he saw Donna, seated in his chair, turning away from the window where she'd watched his walk up the driveway.

"What are you doing here?" he asked confused.

"Trying to re-elect President Bartlet. What are you doing in a bar with my ex-boyfriend?"

He looked surprised.

"CJ told me everything. Why were talking to Phil?"

"I was trying to save you from yourself."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence."

"Donna, what the hell are you thinking? You can't go back to him."

"It's none of your damn business, but I'm not. I never was."

He stared at her, trying to figure it out. "But he wants you to come back, right?"

"I don't know. We didn't talk about that," she emphasized the last word, "but it wouldn't matter if he did."

"Well, good," he said uncomfortably. "I'd...I'd like to use my desk, if you don't mind."

Donna got out of the chair, but gave Josh wide berth as she exchanged places with him. Standing before the desk, once he was settled in his chair, she put a hand out to stop him as he reached for one of the folders.

"No, Josh. We're talking about this."

"We've got a lot to do, Donna. I'm sorry. I shouldn't...I shouldn't have interfered."

"No, you shouldn't have. It's my life..."

"But you don't always make the right choices," Josh interrupted.

"Neither do you," she answered quickly.

"I was just trying to help," he began.

She stared at him, and he began to fidget. 

"What? I was just trying to make sure that you don't make another mistake."

"Do you really have that little confidence in my judgment?"

"Just about men."

She inhaled sharply, turned to leave, and then turned back and glared. "Let's get one thing straight. I don't want you to interfere in my personal life again. I'll see who I want, when I want."

"Not during work hours," he shouted.

"That was my damn lunch hour or dinner hour...it doesn't much matter because I don't get one anyway," her voice rising.

"Donna?"

The blonde assistant and her boss were shocked to discover Abigail Bartlet standing in the doorway.

Donna's hand flew to her mouth. "Oh, Mrs. Bartlet, forgive me."

Josh walked to the door. "Mrs. Bartlet. I'm sorry. It was my fault that you found us arguing. Donna was...was just telling me about....It's my fault...What can I do for you?"

Abbey looked between the two of them, then turned back to Donna.

"I just wanted to check how things turned out."

"He was very grateful. He'd heard of all three doctors and was hopeful that one of them could help him. Thank you so much."

"Anytime, Donna," and with a last glance at Josh, Abbey left the room.

"You asked the First Lady to get your ex-boyfriend a job?" Josh hissed.

Donna whirled around to face her boss. "Stop it, Josh. Just stop it. Phil Runyon is dying and Mrs. Bartlet recommended some doctors who might help him." 

Her eyes filled with tears. "How can you be so cruel?"

"Donna...I didn't...I didn't know." He reached out to touch her arm, but she flinched, and he stepped back.

"I've got work to do," and she started to leave.

"Wait...please wait," Josh implored.

She turned to face him.

"I didn't know you still had feelings for him"

"You don't get it, do you?"

"I'm trying to understand, Donna, really I am. I just don't want you to be hurt again."

"I'm not going to be hurt. I'm not in love with him. I'm just trying to help an old friend," she paused and then added softly, "You'd do the same thing. I know you."

Josh looked down, unable to face Donna's pleading eyes. "I was afraid," he whispered.

She took a step closer, and he closed the distance between them. "Don't be afraid, Joshua," she said quietly. "I don't know how to make you believe that I'm not going anywhere, that this is where I belong."

"It's not...it's not because of the work, you know," he said so softly that she could barely hear him.

"Please tell me, Joshua, please," she pleaded.

"I...I can't..we work in the White House....I'm your boss and...."

"And I'd quit in a heartbeat if I honestly thought that was the reason why we're not together," she said urgently.

When she heard nothing, she started to leave, then stopped. "Phil told me something important yesterday. He told me that I had learned what I want and what I don't want in a relationship. I thought maybe this past year with Amy you had learned that too."

She waited for him to say something...anything, but he just stared at his desk.

"Josh?"

"I've got a meeting with Leo," he said softly.

"If you don't mind, I think I want to go home now. It's been a long day." 

He heard the sadness in her voice. He wanted to ease the pain he was causing her, but instead, he just nodded and she left.


	9. Hard Choices 9

**Hard Choices**

**by:** Evelyn

**Disclaimer:** Aaron Sorkin owns everything

**Category:** Romance, Josh/Donna

**Rating:** CHILD

**Author's Note:** Special thanks to Shelley for her incredible editing, her insight into all things Sorkin, and for keeping the faith in this show, its creator, and the cast when the rest of us get crazy  <g>

* * *

He walked up the street and paused in front of the steps. Shaking his head, he turned and walked back towards his car. He stopped again, under a street lamp, and then turned and strode deliberately back to her apartment house. As he started up the stairs, the outer door opened and Phil Runyon emerged.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Josh demanded.

"I was just saying goodbye to Donna. I'm leaving in the morning."

"Is she...is she alright?" the Deputy Chief of Staff hesitantly asked.

"She's fine with my leaving, if that's what's got you concerned," Runyon said sharply. He paused and looked directly at Josh, then added, "You really are an idiot."

Josh turned away.

"Listen to me. For God's sakes listen to me," Runyon grabbed Josh's coat. "You ought to know better. Didn't you learn anything from Rosslyn? You know what it's like to be facing death. Don't have any regrets...because I sure do." 

He angrily let go of Josh's coat and swept past him, then whirled around to face him. "You were given a second chance at life, and with Donna. I'm not sure I'm getting a chance to live, and I sure as hell know I'm not getting Donna. If you can't screw up your courage and tell her how you feel, then you're a fool and don't deserve her." 

Josh took a step forward. He tried to gather his thoughts, explain to Runyon what he didn't understand himself, but his words came out haltingly, uneasily. "I'll screw it up and just end up hurting her. I'm no good at relationships."

"You just keep impressing me with how stupid you are," Runyon argued. "Don't you know that Donna will do everything in her power to make it work? She's the anchor, she's the rock. You'll have to work mighty hard to screw it up because she won't let you."

"But you blew it with her."

"But you might, just might, be smarter because you're starting off knowing how special she is."

"Valuable," Josh interjected with a smile.

"Right," Runyon agreed. "She's valuable, she's precious, and for some reason, she loves you. Let her love you. That's all you have to do. Just let Donnatella Moss love you." He stopped and looked at his watch. "I gotta go."

Josh stood transfixed as Runyon walked down the street and entered the Metro tunnel. Lost in his own thoughts, he finally took a deep breath and glanced up to the lighted window in Donna's apartment. He walked up the steps and rang the bell.

"Yes?"

"Donna, it's me. I need to tell you something."


End file.
